Most mothers become mothers on the day their child is born. Not me. My daughter was seven months old before I even knew of her existence and she was almost nine months old the first time I held her in my arms. That's not to say that she hadn't occupied my every waking (and most of my sleeping )thoughts for months and years before hand. The idea of her had taken hold on the very first day that we considered adoption way back in 2002. The idea of her was blown out of the watter by the reality of her though. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the beautiful, funny, warm, noisy, wonderful little girl who became my daughter on this day six years ago.
When she was placed in my arms for the first time I was overwhelmed by feelings of absolute joy and absolute terror. I do think the terror had a slight edge on the day.
I remember she was in her nanny's arms and I just kept stoking her little foot and toes.
When she was finally given into my arms she stiffened but did not cry. In fact she did not make a sound. I started to feed her her bottle and I felt her slowly start to relax into my arms. Mike was so overwhelmed that he had to keep running into the bedroom to wipe away tears as he didn't want to scare her. I had no such self control and I sobbed for hours. She just gave my long mistrustful looks with her beautiful brown eyes.
When we put her to bed on that first night we kept creeping up to her cot to check that she was still breathing. She looked so small and precious in her little crib, in her too big Winnie the pooh pajamas. Now six years on she is even more precious than I could have ever imagined but long gone is the quietness. She has the loudest voice and a big booming laugh. She can also wail for Ireland and China when things are not going her way. She is a great big sister to her brother, even if they do drive each other mad at times. She is over four feet tall and wears a size one in her shoes. She keeps measuring herself to me and telling me she will be bigger than me soon. I'm sure she probably will be too.I drive her mad telling her that no matter how big she gets she will always be my baby.
We are raising her to love China and her heritage. It was strongly in evidence over the last few weeks as she cheered "my China" on to medal after medal in the London Olympics. She cheered them on over any Irish athlete - except for Katie Taylor, who she loves.
I think often of her birth mother. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have to give up your child. My heart hurts even to think of it. I try to look after her the best I can for both of us.
